Day 116 and mixed emotions confuse again, this is becoming a regular occurrence lately as I seem to moving out from the struggles of heavy burdens for many years. I am starting to relax into this mode of not worrying about finances and freedom from the dire consequences they can bring when you are struggling. I still haven’t managed to relax completely with this as nothing is permanent, but the freedom from worry and lightness of spirit this brings is incredible, something I could never have hoped to experience in this life time. Looking back I lived with all the problems of my clients both physical and mental, working in my private time to research information for them and supporting them the best I could even if it meant a call at 3am in their darkest hours. The burdens and injustices of the world weighed me down with heavy conversations daily with others that shared similar views and watching the emotions of my children during adolescence and early adulthood was one of the hardest things I have experienced as a parent.
That stage of parenting where you realise you cant help them like you could when they were small, the anguish of how much to interfere when you know they are heading into heartache and how strict you should be. Or accepting to stand back and let the emotional roller-coaster they are experiencing run its course and hoping they will come through the other side unscathed. Then of course my own problems running in the back ground that I hoped would pass too, I worked as hard as circumstances allowed me to work with them. This of course was a huge melting pot of pent up emotions as I swirled around in them, sinking, not making any headway and fighting to just function calmly. So here I am now with the burden of basic living costs lifted from me for the last months, and like I said at the beginning, feeling this lightness inside is immense, it has opened up a channel for the love, beauty and happiness inside that has always been there to flow more freely enjoying the experience. Of course there are always other heavy emotions or situations to deal with hence my constant mixed emotions, but this feeling of lightness and happiness is tangible in the background when other situations arise.
In years past the flame of this lightness of spirit was a constant story of being blown out and relighting, but not now its flame may dim as life takes over but it never dies, I have full awareness of its presence and then it shines brightly once again. I feel completely blessed, fortunate to be in this circumstance and have given up trying to understand how this has happened so quickly, it seemed to come from out of the blue, maybe I dreamt it in, as I wished this freedom from burdens for all others in my situation. Life is certainly mysterious as we merge with those we encounter, its experiences and situations, some sink you and as I am witnessing now others help you float. All I can say is Thank You to all the woven energies that have transpired to the now, and for the raft I sit on catching back my breath. I leave today with The Great Bell Chant (The End Of Suffering) read by Thich Nath Hanh and chanted by brother Phap Niem, with a wish that all beings be relieved of suffering so they can take rest and recover, so they can to feel that channel of lightness of spirit once again.
Day 117 Saturday and I managed to finalise the Groupon saga, chatting on help lines is a bit of an epic for myself and many of us oldies, to be fair the most helpful and patient experience of a chat help was by the people on here WordPress. They give you time to figure out what you are doing as they try to explain as simply as they can computer language, anyway getting back to Groupon, no they are not so patient. This was my second chat with them so I thought I was prepared this time, on my lap top I had 3 different emails open for references, the product page open and chat open. Even so flicking through the tabs to answer questions copying and pasting references and parts of emails, the time I got back to answer the question her impatience was showing with the next question or asking am I still there! As my Spanish is not so good I guess I had to read the emails to find the parts I needed to copy, in my own language I am sure they would have jumped out at me. So I ended up feeling rushed and a little annoyed at myself after working on computers all my life and I wasn’t more efficient, also the ladies impatience got to me when my doorbell rang and I needed to leave a minute to let somebody in, but I did sort it. I did try not to get too flustered and pressured by the attitude from the other end and my own feelings of inadequacy, a refund not a credit coupon is now on its way so all is forgiven and forgotten as I am now returned to a peaceful space!
On to some stories to add to the mood and relax, King Tutankhamun’s Dagger Was Literally Out Of This World, he had a space dagger! The boy pharaohs highly ornamental blade had researchers use cutting-edge X-ray analysis revealing that it is mostly composed of iron with smaller amounts of nickel and cobalt which indicates that it was from an iron meteorite.
Bats seem to be an occurring theme this last week, my daughter found a baby one, called for help to try to keep it alive and re unite it with its mother. I actually don’t know the outcome, whether the baby was united with mum or not but I do know they were out at dawn and night with a team searching for the mum. I will have to check up for an update and of course I hope it is thriving if it is still being hand reared. Secondly on an astrologers weekly report I sometimes watch, it started with a bat which had flew into something hitting its head a few times and was laying injured somewhere at his home. Then the third bat reference came as article on a human sized bat in the Philippines
Of course being curious after 3 bat stories in a week I did look up the significance of bats in cultures, and although there were a few negatives they are mostly auspicious signs. The dream interpretation sites may have more negative tones but I didn’t dream about them so I see only the different cultural meanings as being relevant, and they are all auspicious spiritual signs. A good omen to end my week of flow and progress.
Day 218 and I will give thanks again, I arose to my son being up before me on his day off! The console was on but he wasn’t around and a freshly bought cake was on the table, jumping to the conclusion he was in a bad place maybe not having slept, I made breakfast and prepared to face my day in a calm unfazed manner. He came downstairs talkative and bright, telling a few stories and informing me the cake was for me! So here I sit sharing space with him writing with the odd conversations break, the cake was surprisingly nice too being one that I don’t normally like, but I am informed its a French version! My daughter messaged to say she is thinking of booking to arrive here on the 20th which is only a week to wait, wow is this really finally happening? I truly hope so as forced separation I have learnt, is so much more difficult than life just taking over and becoming too busy to meet especially if the reasons are positive events or opportunities delaying the visit. The best news is that she will be here a full 2 weeks, wow I cant wait!
I have had something going around and around in my mind for a week or so now and I wanted to write of it today, but with pleasant company in the room and the excitement of my daughter coming, it can wait until tomorrow. This will leave today to catch each moment in this feeling of gratitude for all things including the progressive and flowing week I have encountered. I am learning a lot from from these feelings and emotions, a new experience after many years struggling and making it through. This change has been happening slowly over the last months with the acceptance of having to retire from the daily grinds sitting in lock down isolation, letting go and allowing things to just flow and fall into play and of course my life raft I have been thrown. I am truly blessed and thankful for these new experiences from which I am learning daily.
Stay safe and take precautions to protect yourself and loved ones including taking care of your mental health and remember to breathe in the goodness when it is there in front of you, even if it is hiding behind your emotions and worries, the more you savour it the more it may show its face! 💜
Growing Old 