Emotions are running wild these last few days, in fact they started last week, a bag of mixed emotions emerging from within but also seen in all that I spoke with. This weeks though are constant and different and I can’t quite name them, there is sadness, tiredness, and a wanting to let go of so many memories. This is not how I had expected to be feeling moving out of lock down, the walks and connection with nature I longed for has turned into flooded memories and a lot of sadness. I long to be connecting with nature as I used to when I was in early adulthood, for pleasure and for its beauty with a light heart. Instead this deep sadness is there as I remember how many times during my life I have sat in nature releasing pressure or my sorrow and re charging to face whatever lies ahead. I see the immense beauty but I also feel the immense pain and weariness, today I asked myself are these my emotions and feelings or natures herself?
Maybe like many of us after this 2 month break from daily madness, she is starting to heal herself and is exhausted at the thought of going back to what was. I watched the waters in the marina in a fantasy hope that I would glimpse a dolphin! This was because last month one did enter another marina close by, with no high noise pollution though, I did see the fish happily swimming around this morning. It is however the first day small businesses can start to re open, so there was a little activity as they started to install safety guidelines. A few excursion boats were running their engines and the noise was piercing as it echoed in the otherwise silence. In a week or so this will be drowned out by the many other boats, speedboats and jet skis and we may have forgotten the silence once again. Others were cleaning down their boats with hoses and to my horror there suddenly appeared a white flow of cleaning chemicals skimming by as I watched the fish having to swim through it. Please no! Screamed out inside of me, lets not go back to what was the normal. Yes I am weary of the world as it is, watching as our ecosystem after having a breather to heal, was being stricken down already on this first day back to our species normality! I found a place to hide and sit to let the tears flow, I didn’t want to walk along with a runny nose and people thinking I was sick!
Starting to leave the marina and heading home I passed the tobacconist, they sell drinks, snacks and nick-nacks too, they do sometimes have English chocolate snacks so I popped in to see, excitement came over me as I spotted a box of Cadbury’s Cream Eggs, yes I had been craving these persistently through out Easter, I thought of buying a few but realised it’s hotter today and they could be a melted mush before I got them home, so one it was. I headed back savouring the chocolate as I walked uphill looking down on the bay and beach I had strolled along yesterday, to save time I decided to take a short cut up the side of a building with what feels like over a 100 steps. The wild nasturtiums were in bloom, I thought “this was too early for them”, I haven’t got any growing wild in my balcony pots which I normally do, like the now mysteriously appearing from nowhere dandelions. But actually not leaving home for so long, I think I seem to be out of synch with time!
On arriving home, still with raw emotions I found myself finally breaking down after seeing that in India, an effort by the armed forces all across the country to show appreciation for healthcare workers and other corona warriors had taken place yesterday. The “gesture of special gratitude” followed other shows of gratitude such as the clap from balconies and show of solidarity with candle lights lining every home and street. This one yesterday was shown by Navy ships docked in all major ports lit up, flypast’s by fighter jets over state capitals, performances by military bands outside hospitals and the thing that caused me to break was the “aerial flower petals shower” over hospitals across the country. I think it was the sight of military helicopters and jet fighters using flower petals bombs, what a different world we would be in if all military planes were only armed with flower petals!
As I leave to honour and care for my raw emotions, this vision warms my soul with the beauty of which we are capable of when there is a will to do so. Stay safe and take precautions to protect yourself and loved ones including taking care of your mental health as it flows through it’s many emotions and feelings. Remember kindness and beauty can be seen sometimes where we least expect it. 💜
Growing Old 