Growing Old – Lock Down Day 42

Today feels like we are waiting for the Apocalypse to arrive, don’t ask me why, it’s just such a heavy atmosphere again, gloomy outside and dark inside with everything seeming to be hard work. I guess we have to expect these days and feelings as they come but I do wonder what is going on, seeing photos on social media with people in the UK out in the garden with the sun shining in shorts. Obviously I am pleased for them, they don’t get enough sunny days but it just feels unnatural. I live in Souther Spain and so far during this lock down we have seen hardly any nice days, its like the climates have reversed we have never known it to be so overcast persistently and many in UK are saying they have never known it to be so sunny persistently .

Also today is one of those days that everything seems to be going wrong, maybe I have been hacked somewhere, maybe its just that websites are not working correctly or maybe updating, Trying to order a bottle of Echinacea has been an epic taking nearly 2 hours, things showing for sale but whilst trying to purchase them the page sent me straight back to the product page. I finally managed to purchase some, at an extortionate price, but couldn’t use my bank card only pay pal, so I tried to transfer money. This again turned out to be an epic after my phone app wouldn’t accept the security code, no matter how many times I tried to enter it, those darn buttons seemed to be frozen not register anything! To many errors on the computer and phone to suspect a hack so for now I will presume that digital sites are malfunctioning at the moment, I guess I will try again tomorrow to complete this simple task.

On days we have been experiencing this oppressive atmosphere, all seems to malfunction, it is a little worrying that now the world mainly functions and relies on satellites, we have digital radios, television stations or use computers and phones connected to satellites. It seems to me a little bit like putting all your eggs into one basket, with all our banks, online purchases, even health records these days being digital and as we know satellite television is only as good as the signal we can receive, in bad weather those wavy lines appear and the crackle sounds start. This has been happening here on and off the whole period of lock down, some days I cant watch YouTube and we pass it off as “its because the internet is overburdened with so many people at home” This was OK in the beginning but now I can see the pattern, its always on days like today where the atmosphere is oppressive! Even thinking straight becomes a thing needing full on focus and effort just to function, the other option is to lay down and watch some mindless TV and wait for it to pass. I don’t watch TV so I notice it more perhaps, but speaking to friends today again they are feeling it. To explain this feeling its like just before a major thunder storm, but in our case non arrive and it just goes on and on.

Yesterday a packet arrived for my Son and for the second time the delivery guy (different one) was not wearing a mask, I have also noticed that the essential gardeners have started pulling them off with them hanging around their necks. Everybody is feeling cranky and seems to have stopped caring about safety. A couple of days ago a friend looking down onto the beach (which is closed off) saw a couple of women walking hand in hand taking a stroll, along came 2 policemen on horses and waved at them! No stopping for permissions to be out, no fines nothing, this of course set off her anger as she has not been out of her door once during the 40 days having all food delivered. This lady I have to say is the one of the most gentle and non-judgemental souls you could meet, but even she became angry, frustrated and cranky. Today however the police have been everywhere, I have seen them stopping people going to the rubbish, dog walkers etc. they must be clamping down on our complacency and frustration to get out.

Even I can’t find positive things to talk about today, I am not feeling much at all actually, even the frustrations of the ordering process didn’t trigger any negative emotions, I guess I am just comfortably numb to everything, niceties or not so niceties. I will look for a bright picture to post along with my gloomy day one, as I am sure it will take less effort or focus and I cant leave without something bright on the page! I will leave by wishing you all stay safe and take precautions to protect yourself and loved ones including taking care of your mental health 💜