Growing Old – Lock Down Day 38

Yesterday I managed to get through my day of apathy and it turned out to be quite pleasant flowing smoothly as the day went by only doing what I wanted to, instead of what I thought I should do. I did actually manage to get through quite a lot which lifted the spirits and left me going to sleep with a peaceful mind. Today after waking up to a bright day it quickly turned to rain again, so my excitement of having some fresh air has worn off and I now settle into acceptance. We also have exceptionally high winds today, these usually affect me whereby I am not able to focus or think straight. I may sound crazy but as the windows rattle, the wind howls and all the trees around seem to bend over I find myself walking around the apartment tensed up as if I was outside fighting and bracing against the winds. They sometimes leave me screaming inside to escape the noise or feeling a little dizzy or out of balance.

I actually had some lovely cuddles from my cat yesterday, she doesn’t like wind either so as it got up strong in the evening she settled herself on my knee for most of the night. These times feel special, her paw often reaching out to my hand as though we were holding hands. From a cat that isn’t touchy it always feel special, not that she isn’t loving, she is in her own way and lays by me all of the time and follows me around, I see so much wild cat traits in her and lets face it, tigers lay next to each other not sit on one other. Although in an apartment she is a hunter constantly alert aware of every sound, everything that is moved and everything that comes into the home as she explores each thing. Even with food, she will jump up to sniff if it occasionally if it is a strange smell she doesn’t recognise, but one sniff then she leaves. For this I am truly thankful as she has never tried to take any of our food ever, I can leave fish out cooked or raw and she has no interest except to have one sniff then leave. She hunts and catches flies, an odd gecko, and listens and watches intensely for birds through the windows sometimes. Pets are so special, they become part of our family and we learn to love them whatever their personalities, like people each has its own. They always show us love and loyalty even when they are independent in nature, they can be healing and comforting as you can see in people living alone with a pet. Working over the years in peoples homes I have seen pets that are loved dearly by all the family as they are loved equally by the pet, in other homes I have seen animals being the only comfort when a person is sick or dying. Maybe because there is no language, no talking, no emotional charge to contend with, the dying or the surviving partner just see and feel the affection and love when they are desperately needing comfort. Most animals also have an affinity to children teaching them many things including unconditional love and loyalty, living in the countryside all of my adult children remember the animals of their childhood with deep affection.

I have decided to buy face masks and not attempt to make them as stated in a previous blog, although that may change back again if I carry on getting frustrated. My sewing skills are nil, I would make one after a lot of frustration with the sewing machine and it will pass but never look decent, so buy one I said to myself. This is proving to be difficult, obviously they are near impossible to find, those that you can see online for sure may be a con, either extortionately priced and I mean extortion or they may never arrive either lost in the backlog of post or never sent out. I have a problem at the moment buying online as I would love to just buy locally helping out the many financially struggling people around me, but I can’t find anybody, as shops selling cloth / materials are closed people cant find supplies to make them. Online I have filtered down to shops from Spain, normally shops online will be helpful in a competing world but not any more, I have contacted a few this morning to ask about postage which has jumped in price mainly because most are using couriers instead of standard mail during these times. Asking the price of postage for more than one item I have been quite rudely told in all cases it is the same, in my first dealing with people outside those I know, I found them all touchy. We are talking about a simple cloth face mask, was it so unreasonable to ask if packing 2 together the postage would be a little less instead of 6 euros for each? considering the prices for even the simplest cloth masks with no filters!

This has taken me aback a little, what world are we moving into when this is all over, one reply quite rude I could have understood but all of them! Obviously we are all stressed in one way or another, probably with different reasons or circumstances but I hadn’t imagined this lack of civility, the company my son works for is just thankful they can sell online. I do hope that when we are all free to leave our homes again people remember that we have all been through this and hold on to the unity that has generally prevailed. Helping each other, lifting each others spirits etc. how terrible it would be if as well as the political move towards “our country first”, that people turned inwards to “me first”. My visions were of living as a more harmonious community helping and working together for all, of course this means myself accepting that some people will struggle and to not react causing bigger rifts. I guess my lesson for today is to be prepared and find deep inside myself how I will handle the pent up emotions that people may start to exhibit and how I will keep my own emotional balance. Maybe I will need to create new emotional boundaries for myself as to the people I may have to deal with, reminding myself to not get drawn into the suffering of others by automatic reactions.

Well I will go back to read what I have written today, I seem to be lacking in focus and have been rambling a little! It is very windy and I don’t know about you but is always affects me to the point I cant focus. I will spell check but not change anything as this does serve as a diary too, to remind me of how I was feeling and how often feelings fluctuate, it has flowed smoothly so I have to trust that what was written was meant to be. I wish you a peaceful day, please stay safe and take precautions to protect yourself and loved ones including taking care of your mental health 💜